This is how I feel today. Totally strung out! Uman Rosh Hashana was so uplifting and memorable, I hope to write about it more over the next month. But today, after a week of singing and dancing with almost no sleep, my body is on strike, my mind is foggy and my heart is closed.
But you know what? I’m not worried.
Rebbe Nachman says (Torah 6) “Whoever wants to come back to Hashem, has to be a בקי בהלכה (an expert navigator), where nothing in the world can make him fall or distance him, whether he’s feeling high or low. Because even in those low places, Hashem can still be found”.
In the Maariv prayer, we ask Hashem והסר שטן מלפנינו ומאחרינו (remove the Satan from before us and from behind us). The Satan, of course, stands in the way of us performing mitzvos, so we ask Hashem to “remove him from before us”, so that we can pass thru and perform the mitzvah. But what’s the meaning of the Satan behind us? It’s equally important to know that after you come close to Hashem, you will experience a fall. This time the Satan strikes from behind, after the mitzvah, making you regret it, or question if you really benefitted at all from the experience.
The solution is to just sit with it. Today’s “Recovery Day”. Yes, it’s the ten days of Teshuva and we want to take advantage of this opportune time to connect, but don’t crack under the pressure and feel bad about yourself. This low is also part of the equation. Don’t be phased by the numbness. Be a בקי בהלכה and wait happily until the next good wave.